OMFG!!

... that was my feeling when I saw how much my weight is. Seriously, I've never been this heavy and I knew it, but I would never believed that it's so much... I really need to start working out. I bought my diary today, I haven't (yet) eaten anything "bad"  and well not exercised eather. But as soon as I'm finished with this post, I'm going to do some WII- exercise. I have to start somewhere, hu? So yeh, I freaked out a little bit about my weight but I have my limits. I remember that one time I swore that I'm not gonna get weight over 70kgs. Today's the day to start really hard keeping that promise, because weight today (about 1.30PM): 69,9kg!! No I really feel like a fat person....

Tomorrow it starts

Whoa, I'm here today for a second time! Yeh, I'm a little bit nervous about tomorrow. At first thing in the morning I'm going to the scales to see my weight. I really am scared. I know I haven't been this fat ever and I don't really wanna know how much do I weight, but I really have to do this. After school I go to the book shop and buy a notebook. This idea actually came from the Bridget Jones's diary-movie. I'm going to write to that book at least once in a week. I can't promise everyday, it would be too often for me, but at least once. And I will go to see my weight EVERY week and I will write it down. I will write about how much I have or haven't exercised (really hoping the first one), what I have eat (not all but the bad things) and of course the bad drinks I have been drinking. Of course I will try to write here too. :) No I go to bed, try to catch some sleep and be really terrified 'bout tomorrow. Night! xx

Very long time no seen! (and changing my life!)

I'm so sorry, I haven't had time to come here and write. I've been so busy with my finals, but now they're FINALLY over! <3 I haven't had time to try to lose weight... Yeh, I think I haven't EVER been this heavy. So I made a decision: starting tomorrow, I'm really gonna do everything I can to lose weight. I have a real target now. I hope I'm going to graduate at spring. So on my graduation day I want to be thinner than now. I want to have a nice dress that fits me and doesn't make me look fat. So I can't be fat. I want to be beautiful and not deppressed. So tomorrow my new life starts. Here it is:

1. Lose weight

2. Exercise at least four times a week

3. Eat healthy

4. Cut of the snacks

5. Alcohol only once in a week (if party, this I can't give up)

6. Candy and other stuff once in a week if must have!

7. Abs EVERYDAY

8. Be happier, positive thoughts

9. Stop cutting

10. Smile and laugh! :)

Yes, I'm trying to change my life and this time I'm gonna do it right. I think I should start with my mind, but I don't have time to do this step-by-step things so I do it all at once. Healthy mind healthy body, or something like that. This girl is going to be happy again (and thin!) xx

I always en up envying someone

A short post before I go to sleep.

I just ended up watching other peoples blogs. I'm just so jealous to them. Not because of the followers, but the perfect life they seem to have. The one blogger I was watching today. Yeh, she was perfect. She is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, she's skinny and she has a perfect looking boyfriend and they have an amazing relationship. I envy her and can't stop thinking: "why am I not beautiful? Why I have to be this fat? Why I don't have a cute boyfriend who I love with all my heart?" With these thoughts (and crying inside, because I know I will never be beautiful, skinny or have a really cute and nice and perfect boyfriend and that I can't never find love) I go to sleep. xx

I don't belong here anymore

I came home from our summer cottage about an hour ago. I drove alone to our yard and looked our house. It didn't feel like home anymore. I came in, looked around - everything was normal. Everything was just the same as when I left the house on Friday. I just didn't feel like coming home. I just came to some house.

Now I have been here about that one hour. The place is same, but something feels wrong. Maybe it's that I'm alone and the house is so quiet. Or maybe I just have changed.

I really don't get

ME! How can this be possible again? I _always_ push away the people that are important to me. I did it again today. And now. I can't stop crying.

I'm alone at home. This is the best time to be alone. I left my boyfriend today at school. We had "an argue" and I desided, that this is too much. Now I have had the time to think about it and I realized, how stupid I was again. I miss him already so much, but there's no going back. I have tried everything to stop crying but nothing helps. I have watched TV, listened to music, I even took a bath to relax and forget. Then I have drank a couple of ciders and took some pain killers. Nothing bad, but at least they make me sleepy and I can go to bed and sleep till tomorrow. I don't want to cut because tomorrow is the day, my parents can notice my cuts very easily and I don't want them to see. So I  will cut on Sunday. Now I take some pills more, watch a little pit more TV and then I go to bed. Fuck this night. xx

 (i can't get here any pics, something wrong with my internet :/)

My thoughts

I don't know what's wrong with me. Well yes, I'm depressed, I know that, but I have always thought, that it includes only moodswings and cutting. Now I found myself looking at the pictures of anorexia on we♥it. Yesyes, I have watched them earlier but this time, it was different. I looked at the photos of skinny girls, too skinny, and I thought "damn, I know, I can never be like them". And I thought it was a bad thing! I want to look like them, I want to be skinny too! But I know, I'm not ever gonna make it. I never lose any weight, I'll be fat till the day I die. I like food too much. I eat, then I regret it, maybe I throw up, but that's it. I jog sometimes, but I don't really like it. And now I'm sick, and I can't exercise at all. It's killing me. Okay, I can't keep up with my thoughts anymore. Maybe I shoul go now, take a nice hot shower and go to bed. Yeh right, me, sleepin before nine o'clock. Haha, good joke! xx

My mom

I listen to my mom, when she's laughing at her bedroom. I think she's looking at our cute little dog. And she laughs. We haven't talked to each other for three days. We say "morning", "bye" and "good night" but nothing else. That's really weird. I just can't help thinking: how did we end up like this?

The other day I was talking with my mom about my studies. As usually, she said something that she knows, I get angry about, and so I did again. We end up screaming to each other and when we finally stopped, we both cried and my mom said: "I don't care if you live here anymore or not." Then she took off. That really hurt, you know. And I have the feeling, that I can't forgive it to her. I decided that I'm now going to apologize but of course, when I woke up next morning, I went to apologize her.

 She was just leaving when I woke up that morning. I saw our car driving of our yard. I ran out with just my pajamas on and screamed to mom: "Wait!" She stopped the car, I opened the door and with the tears in my eyes I said, I'm sorry about everything I said and I didn't mean it. Mom looked at me and said, that she can't do this right now. Then she drove away and left my crying to the street alone. I went back to the house and said to my dad that I'm NEVER gonna apologize again. So, here we are.

I'm not usually the type of person, who stays long mad to others. So this is really new to me, that I really am so mad to my mother, that I can't go to her, apologize one more time and talk about this with her. I just can't. Mom asked me, when we were fighting, that what in my life is really so bad. I started to think that, but I can't answer. I don't know. I can't name one thing that really is wrong with my life here. I just feel sad all the time, I want to cry, I can't sleep and I want to cut or throw up. I can't say to mom, that nothing is really wrong, I'm just depressed again. I know, she can't handle it again. So I just don't answer her and she gets that look on here face "that's what I thought". I don't know, what I'm going to do with this right now. Maybe I just let the time go by and see, if something is going to happen. No I go to sleep. Night! xx

The love of my life

I promised another day that I tell about my ex-boyfriend. So now is the time to do that. I call he N, so it's easier for you to follow. :)

So. I dated N just for a year. It's short time, but it was the best time of my life. First time I saw N, I was completely in love. It really was the love for the first sight. We had known eachother just for a week after we started dating. He wasn't the perfect boyfriend-type, but he totally fas perfect to me. We were happy, we loved eachother and it was so lovely. Then I fucked it up.

When we met, I was deppressed. I cut almost everyday, I didn't eat and I cried all the time. Then N came, and litterary saved me. I stopped everything for him. I was pretty normal. Time went by and I was happy with him. Then one day I woke up and felt like I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't know, how I got it to my mind, but I couldn't get rid of it anymore. So, I broke up with him. I have NEVER cried so much in my hole life. I cried almost 18hours without any break! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I just cried. For a week, I didn't say anything to my family. It was awfull. My hole life was ripped apart, and I couldn't blame anyone else but me.

After six months I finally got over him. I saw him at school, we talked sometimes, but I didn't miss him anymore. I didn't want him back. I wasn't happy, but I survived. Sometimes I think about him, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Well, no it does again.

It's been one and a half year since we broke up. I have had other boyfriends and he has a girlfriend. Other day this week I read our conversations by the time, we were together. I think I have ever missed him so much! It all hit me once again: what I had, and how I let it go. I ruined it all. He didn't want to broke up with me, I did. I couldn't handle it, that I was happy and everything was all right. Now, he's really happy with his new girlfriend - he has told me, how much he loves her. And I love him. After all this time, I still love him. I want him back. I know, I can't have him. And he doesn't want me. My relationships doesn't work right now very well. Everytime I think it's time, that I can fall in love with someone, I get that feeling, that I have to end it. I don't want to fall in love with someone, because I already love N. I want it to go away. I want to let go of him. But I can't. Right now, he's the love of my life.
Who am I to say - Hope

Quick post

Here again!

Today I don't have so much time to write. It's late and I'm tired - I want to sleep. I just had to come and write something.

Yesterday I had an idea, what I want to write here: about my ex-boyfriend. Mm, maybe it doesn't sound so interesting, and probably it's not, but it's something, that is important to me. Maybe tomorrow I have time to write about that. I hope so. :)

I have felt really fat lately, so I started to do some abs. I don't remember to do them after school (or at day either) so I do them before I go to sleep. Stupid, right? Well, I really don't care so much, if I can't sleep, I just want to be thinny. And nowadays I can't even catch the sleep before I have done my abs. Reaaally nice. So, now I go and do some abs so I can sleep. Good night, sleep tight! :*

How can I be such a mess?

Again is new week of school started. Okay, it's tuesday now, so there has been two days of school. Only tree left this week. Yeh, my attitude is definetely not the best right now. I'm just so tired, I can't do anything. Everything is boring, I'm not exited about anything. I'm tired, I want to sleep, but I can't. I lay in my bed for hours trying to catch the sleep, but I just can't get it. Everytime I close my eyes I start to think about one horrible thing that happened to me last Saturday. I'm not ready yet to write it here, but someday I will write about it all. Now I'm trying to forget it and live my life. Well, actually I want to forget it, so I maybe could sleep again. And when I finally fall asleep I wish I didn't have those nightmares...

 So. Earlier I thought, my life is a mess. Well, now I think, it was pretty easy. I have the same problems than earlier and even more. And I just don't get it. How can so much happen to a one little girl. I know, everyone has their problems. I just seem to have them so much. Or maybe I just feel that way, I don't know. What I DO know is, that I can't live my life like this. I don't survive, if this is going to be like this for a long time. I just can't anymore. Yeh, I'm off to study.

New start!

The summer came and went. I was busy relaxing and enjoying this cold summer and I really didn't have time to write this blog. Now I try to start over and this time I want to do it in English. Why? I really don't know. Maybe 'cos I noticed during holiday that it's easier for me to say bad thing in English than in Finnish. So now I try to write like this. I apologize everyone that there will be so many mistakes, because I'm not so good in English, but I hope that people, who get lost on my page, don't care so much of my spelling mistakes. :)

 So. My life is such a mess right now. I feel like everything's wrong. I'm hurting all the time. After few weeks of holiday, I started to feel so fat. I didn't want to go to beach (luckly there wasn't so many chances to do that) or wear shorts because I hate my body. I ate too much and I hated myself for that. And this is disgusting, but I started puking. Nothing more of that, but I still sometimes do that and it makes me feel so sick. My mood changes all the time and now I have felt depressed for a couple of weeks. I started cutting again. Yeh, before that, I didn't even now, what pain is! Now I really do. Again. I hate this. I hate it, how I can be such a mess all the time. My thoughts are killing me! All the time I only think food, cutting and killing myself. I feel so alone all the time and like noone understands me. I really don't wanna be alone. But there's nobody for me. I'm nobody.

En ookaan pitkään aikaan kirjottanut. Mulla vaan on niin huono fiilis. Oon kesämökillä ilman nettiä (joten tähän ei olis edes mahdollisuutta), käytän päivät lukien ja syöden. Syön ihan koko ajan ihan liikaa ja kadun sitä joka kerta. Nyt oon kuitenkin päättänyt pitää ruuan sisällä, joten en ainakaan ole paljoa oksennellut. Onnistuin onneksi saamaan rankan poskiontelotulehduksen päälle, joten en oo voinut liikkua liki kahteen viikkoon. Alkaa vähitellen tulemaan hyvinkin valas-olo ja tahtoisin tästä jo eroon. Onneksi tänään olin juomassa murheita pois ja nyt "onnellisena" syön sipsejä ja toivon hartaasti, etteivät ne lihottaisi tällä kertaa...

Mulla ei oo koskaan ollut mitään syömishäiriötä. Joskus oon salaa ittekseni toivonut, että mulla olis, mutta oon kuitenkin onneksi aina tajunnut, mitä oikein ajattelen ja palannut järkiini. Eilen tää kaikki jotenkin muuttui.  Oon usein tuntenut huonoa omaatuntoa liiasta syömisestä ja eilen tuli taas sellainen lihava olo. Kävin vaa'alla pitkästä aikaa ja säikähdin tulosta. Lukuja en tänne laita, oon liian häpeissäni niistä, mutta kyllä täytyy sanoa, että mun paino niin inhottaa mua. Sen enempää ajattelematta menin työntämään sormet kurkkuun. Se oli aivan kamalaa, yökin kamalasti ja teki mieli lopettaa, mutta pakotin itteni jatkamaan loppuun asti. Lopulta mieleen tuli vaan Leevi and the Leavingsin biisin "Teuvo, maanteiden kuningas" sanat: "Minä oksenkin verta ja itkin". Tosiaan, huomasin ihan yhtäkkäi itkeväni siinä samalla, kun yritin kakoa ruokaa ulos. Lopulta se meni siihen, että oksensin verta. Ja itkin. Se oli jotakin ihan kamalaa ja vannoin ittelleni, etten enää ikinä tee noin. Noh, tänään tein sen uudestaan. En usko, että siitä tuli edes sitä 'hyötyä', mitä tavoittelin, koska tänään oksensin vaan verta. Kurkkuun sattuu ja ajatukset on ihan sekaisin. Miksi mä teen näin?

Update

Huhhuh, en oo blogin puolelle eksynyt kertaakaan toosi pitkään aikaan. Kesäloma alkoi, samoin mun kesätyöt ja nyt myös pitäisi lunastaa kaikille annetut lupaukset siitä, että kesällä nähdään. Oon ollut koko ajan menossa, enkä oo koneella käynyt pitkään aikaan edes piipahtamassa. Oon hirmu väsynyt joka ilta aikaisin (klo 5) heräämisen ja jatkuvan paikasta toiseen juoksemisen takia. En oo kuitenkaan unohtanut liikuntaa ;)

niin totta!

Aloin tehdä kesän alussa juoksuohjelmaa, jonka tavoitteena on pystyä juoksemaan 10km pysähtymättä. Yritän koko ajan tsempata itteäni, että kyllä mäkin siihen vielä pystyn, kunhan vaan orjallisesti noudatan tota ohjelmaa, mutta meinaa mulla usko loppua, kun 10min juokseminenkin tuntuu jo tosi raskaalta. Mun pohkeet ei vaan kestä yhtään juoksemista. No, nyt on kuitenkin viikko 4 menossa ohjelmassa ja ainakin vielä oon pystynyt tekemään kaikki ohjeissa sanottavat jutut. Jos joku haluaa kokeilla, niin tässä on linkki siihen ohjelmaan. :) Nyt suihkuun ja iltapalalle ja sitten nukkumaan! ;)

Treeniä!

Oon jo pitkään etsiskellyt netistä kaiken maailman treeni-ohjelmia, joita "toteutan sitten, kun on aikaa" eli sitten, kun jaksan. Yhden YouTuben videon olen kerran tehnyt, mutta se tuntui jotenkin niin tyhmältä jumpata tietokoneen edessä, etten toiste siihen ryhtynyt. Kesän  ja laihdutusyrityksen kunniaksi päätin aloittaa taas etsimään netistä kivoja jumppia ym ja jopa tekemään niitä! Nyt löysin iltalehden sivuilta peppujumpan, jonka aion toteuttaan tän postauksen jälkeen. Oon ollut nyt pari päivää suhteellisen tyytyväinen itteeni, kun oon pyöräillyt joka päivä pari 15minuutin lenkkiä. Joo, se on aika vähän, mutta alku. :-) Vaa'alla en oo uskaltanut vielä käydä, koska syömiset on ollut ihan mullin mallin, mutta yritän ottaa rauhassa ja saada liikunnan osaksi arkirutiineja ennen kuin alan ruokavaliota suuremmin muokkaamaan. Nyt treenaamaan!

Peppujumppaa!

Tässä vielä tää video, minkä mukaan jumppasin:

Ahdistusta

Yli viikon tauko kirjoittamisesta. Ei ollut tarkoitus, motivaatio vaan oli hukassa. Mua ahdistaa ihan kamalasti. Kesä on täällä (ainakin käytännössä, lomat jne) ja sehän tarkoittaa sitä, että pitäisi alkaa käyttää shortseja ja toppeja sekä rannallekin pitäisi kavereiden kanssa mennä (tietysti, jos säät sallii, mutta uskoisin, että jossain tässä loman aikana tulee semmoisiakin lämpimiä ilmoja). Mä en halua. En halua tän näköisenä (lue: kokoisena) laittaa päälle shortseja tai bikinejä. Mä en halua mennä rannalle tai muutenkaan nähdä ihmisiä, jos on niin lämmin, että pystyy laittamaan päälle yhtään paljastavammat vaatteet. Inhottaa tää koko kesä ja inhoon itteeni, lähinnä ajatusten takia. Pitäis vaan ottaa itteään niskasta kiinni ja syödä terveellisesti, liikkua enemmän ja olla tyytyväinen itteensä tämmösenä. En jotenkin vaan jaksa uskoa, että pystyisin siihen. En oo edes uskaltanut vaa'alle mennä, kun pelkään sen lukemia. Oon ihan varmasti taas lihonut. Ei tästä taas tuu mitään...

:(

Yyh, tänään on ollut ihan kamala läskistelypäivä. En yhtään jaksanut kiinnittää huomiota mihinkään syömiseen, enkä edes urheillut yhtään, ja nyt on hirvee morkkis. :( Tosiaan, tän päivän ruuat:

AAMUPALA:

- ruisleipä, päällä metwurstia

- lasi vettä

VÄLIPALA:

- 2 ruisleipää, päällä metwurstia

- vettä

LOUNAS:

- kouluruoka, puolikas lautasellinen lihakeittoa

- lasi vettä

2. VÄLIPALA:

- jäätelöä

PÄIVÄLLINEN:

- maksalaatikkoa

- 3 keksiä

ILTAPALA:

- kaurasämpylä

- lasi vettä

Joo siis mä syön yleensä päivässä yhden välipalan, joka on toi ensimmäinen, koska en vaan jaksa aamupalalla ruokkikseen asti (aamupalan syön yleensä 7 aikoihin, koulussa ruokailu 12 aikaan). Tänään söin sitten vielä kaikkia herkkuja kokeisiin luvun lomassa, ei yhtään kiva. Nyt on niiin turvonnut olo tosta kaikesta ja vielä paha mieli, kun oon mennyt syömään noin paljon ja epäterveellisesti! Näin ei kyllä ainakaan päästä tavoitteeseen. Huomenna pitää tsempata! Huomenna tosiaankin liikun edes vähän. Laiskana ihmisenä voisin silti vaikka pyöräillä kouluun ja katella noita syömisiä selkeesti enemmän. Huh, kun inhottaa. :<

Something about me

Ajattelin nyt tehä pienen "esittely-postauksen", että tänne joskus mahdollisesti eksyvät ihmiset tietäis musta jotain. Eli oon siis 18-vuotias tyttö. Oon sosiaalinen ja positiivinen ja tosi puhelias. Mulla on kiva perhe ja meillä on kaksi söpöä koiraa. Meidän perheessä on lievää ylipainoisuutta ilmassa ja siks oon tällä hetkellä ite niin kriittinen ulkonäön suhteen. Haluun pudottaa painoa nyt, kun se vielä voisi olla vähän helpompaa. Mulla on aika huono itsetunto ja yritän saada sitä parannettua tässä samalla. Tärkein syy tähän mun haluun laihtua/kiinteytyä on se, että mä en viihdy omassa kropassani tämmöisenä. Ehkä mulla on vähän naiivi mielikuva, että laihempana olisin onnellisempi. En oo kuitenkaan pystynyt muuttamaan mun ajattelutapaa mitenkään, vaikka oon jo kauan yrittänyt, joten nyt haluun antaa tällekin vaihtoehdolle mahollisuuden. Blogissa luultavasti lähes kaikki kuvat on we♥it:sta, en ala sitä erikseen joka kuvan perään merkkailemaan. Yritän kirjotella tänne mahdollisimman usein ja postaus-aiheita tulee olemaan mun omat ajatukset (asiaan liittyen), ruokapäiväkirja sekä liikuntapäiväkirja.

New blog

Oon pitkään lukenut erilaisia laihdutus- ym blogeja ja päätin vihdoin perustaa oman. Tän blogin tarkoituksena oisi saada pidettyä motivaatiota yllä terveellisemmän elämän suhteen. Haluaisin siis laihtua 10kg, mutta vaikka se tuolla sivussa lukeekin, se ei ole mun päätavoite. Tärkein tavoite mulla on, että saisin kroppaa kiinteytettyä niin, että pystyisin oikeesti tuntemaan oloni hyväksi ja itsevarmaksi vaikkapa bikineissä. Annan ittelleni aikaa tän toteuttamiseen. Toivoisinkin, että vuoden päästä, kesällä 2013, olisin joko saanut tosi paljon paremman itsetunnon näillä mitoilla, tai sitten vähän painoa alas ja kroppaa kiinteemmäksi. Tervetuloa kattelemaan ja seurailemaan, miten mun projekti lähtee käyntiin ja edistyy! :)