The love of my life

I promised another day that I tell about my ex-boyfriend. So now is the time to do that. I call he N, so it's easier for you to follow. :)

So. I dated N just for a year. It's short time, but it was the best time of my life. First time I saw N, I was completely in love. It really was the love for the first sight. We had known eachother just for a week after we started dating. He wasn't the perfect boyfriend-type, but he totally fas perfect to me. We were happy, we loved eachother and it was so lovely. Then I fucked it up.

When we met, I was deppressed. I cut almost everyday, I didn't eat and I cried all the time. Then N came, and litterary saved me. I stopped everything for him. I was pretty normal. Time went by and I was happy with him. Then one day I woke up and felt like I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't know, how I got it to my mind, but I couldn't get rid of it anymore. So, I broke up with him. I have NEVER cried so much in my hole life. I cried almost 18hours without any break! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I just cried. For a week, I didn't say anything to my family. It was awfull. My hole life was ripped apart, and I couldn't blame anyone else but me.

After six months I finally got over him. I saw him at school, we talked sometimes, but I didn't miss him anymore. I didn't want him back. I wasn't happy, but I survived. Sometimes I think about him, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Well, no it does again.

It's been one and a half year since we broke up. I have had other boyfriends and he has a girlfriend. Other day this week I read our conversations by the time, we were together. I think I have ever missed him so much! It all hit me once again: what I had, and how I let it go. I ruined it all. He didn't want to broke up with me, I did. I couldn't handle it, that I was happy and everything was all right. Now, he's really happy with his new girlfriend - he has told me, how much he loves her. And I love him. After all this time, I still love him. I want him back. I know, I can't have him. And he doesn't want me. My relationships doesn't work right now very well. Everytime I think it's time, that I can fall in love with someone, I get that feeling, that I have to end it. I don't want to fall in love with someone, because I already love N. I want it to go away. I want to let go of him. But I can't. Right now, he's the love of my life.
Who am I to say - Hope