I really don't get

ME! How can this be possible again? I _always_ push away the people that are important to me. I did it again today. And now. I can't stop crying.

I'm alone at home. This is the best time to be alone. I left my boyfriend today at school. We had "an argue" and I desided, that this is too much. Now I have had the time to think about it and I realized, how stupid I was again. I miss him already so much, but there's no going back. I have tried everything to stop crying but nothing helps. I have watched TV, listened to music, I even took a bath to relax and forget. Then I have drank a couple of ciders and took some pain killers. Nothing bad, but at least they make me sleepy and I can go to bed and sleep till tomorrow. I don't want to cut because tomorrow is the day, my parents can notice my cuts very easily and I don't want them to see. So I  will cut on Sunday. Now I take some pills more, watch a little pit more TV and then I go to bed. Fuck this night. xx

 (i can't get here any pics, something wrong with my internet :/)

My thoughts

I don't know what's wrong with me. Well yes, I'm depressed, I know that, but I have always thought, that it includes only moodswings and cutting. Now I found myself looking at the pictures of anorexia on we♥it. Yesyes, I have watched them earlier but this time, it was different. I looked at the photos of skinny girls, too skinny, and I thought "damn, I know, I can never be like them". And I thought it was a bad thing! I want to look like them, I want to be skinny too! But I know, I'm not ever gonna make it. I never lose any weight, I'll be fat till the day I die. I like food too much. I eat, then I regret it, maybe I throw up, but that's it. I jog sometimes, but I don't really like it. And now I'm sick, and I can't exercise at all. It's killing me. Okay, I can't keep up with my thoughts anymore. Maybe I shoul go now, take a nice hot shower and go to bed. Yeh right, me, sleepin before nine o'clock. Haha, good joke! xx

My mom

I listen to my mom, when she's laughing at her bedroom. I think she's looking at our cute little dog. And she laughs. We haven't talked to each other for three days. We say "morning", "bye" and "good night" but nothing else. That's really weird. I just can't help thinking: how did we end up like this?

The other day I was talking with my mom about my studies. As usually, she said something that she knows, I get angry about, and so I did again. We end up screaming to each other and when we finally stopped, we both cried and my mom said: "I don't care if you live here anymore or not." Then she took off. That really hurt, you know. And I have the feeling, that I can't forgive it to her. I decided that I'm now going to apologize but of course, when I woke up next morning, I went to apologize her.

 She was just leaving when I woke up that morning. I saw our car driving of our yard. I ran out with just my pajamas on and screamed to mom: "Wait!" She stopped the car, I opened the door and with the tears in my eyes I said, I'm sorry about everything I said and I didn't mean it. Mom looked at me and said, that she can't do this right now. Then she drove away and left my crying to the street alone. I went back to the house and said to my dad that I'm NEVER gonna apologize again. So, here we are.

I'm not usually the type of person, who stays long mad to others. So this is really new to me, that I really am so mad to my mother, that I can't go to her, apologize one more time and talk about this with her. I just can't. Mom asked me, when we were fighting, that what in my life is really so bad. I started to think that, but I can't answer. I don't know. I can't name one thing that really is wrong with my life here. I just feel sad all the time, I want to cry, I can't sleep and I want to cut or throw up. I can't say to mom, that nothing is really wrong, I'm just depressed again. I know, she can't handle it again. So I just don't answer her and she gets that look on here face "that's what I thought". I don't know, what I'm going to do with this right now. Maybe I just let the time go by and see, if something is going to happen. No I go to sleep. Night! xx

The love of my life

I promised another day that I tell about my ex-boyfriend. So now is the time to do that. I call he N, so it's easier for you to follow. :)

So. I dated N just for a year. It's short time, but it was the best time of my life. First time I saw N, I was completely in love. It really was the love for the first sight. We had known eachother just for a week after we started dating. He wasn't the perfect boyfriend-type, but he totally fas perfect to me. We were happy, we loved eachother and it was so lovely. Then I fucked it up.

When we met, I was deppressed. I cut almost everyday, I didn't eat and I cried all the time. Then N came, and litterary saved me. I stopped everything for him. I was pretty normal. Time went by and I was happy with him. Then one day I woke up and felt like I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't know, how I got it to my mind, but I couldn't get rid of it anymore. So, I broke up with him. I have NEVER cried so much in my hole life. I cried almost 18hours without any break! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I just cried. For a week, I didn't say anything to my family. It was awfull. My hole life was ripped apart, and I couldn't blame anyone else but me.

After six months I finally got over him. I saw him at school, we talked sometimes, but I didn't miss him anymore. I didn't want him back. I wasn't happy, but I survived. Sometimes I think about him, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Well, no it does again.

It's been one and a half year since we broke up. I have had other boyfriends and he has a girlfriend. Other day this week I read our conversations by the time, we were together. I think I have ever missed him so much! It all hit me once again: what I had, and how I let it go. I ruined it all. He didn't want to broke up with me, I did. I couldn't handle it, that I was happy and everything was all right. Now, he's really happy with his new girlfriend - he has told me, how much he loves her. And I love him. After all this time, I still love him. I want him back. I know, I can't have him. And he doesn't want me. My relationships doesn't work right now very well. Everytime I think it's time, that I can fall in love with someone, I get that feeling, that I have to end it. I don't want to fall in love with someone, because I already love N. I want it to go away. I want to let go of him. But I can't. Right now, he's the love of my life.
Who am I to say - Hope

Quick post

Here again!

Today I don't have so much time to write. It's late and I'm tired - I want to sleep. I just had to come and write something.

Yesterday I had an idea, what I want to write here: about my ex-boyfriend. Mm, maybe it doesn't sound so interesting, and probably it's not, but it's something, that is important to me. Maybe tomorrow I have time to write about that. I hope so. :)

I have felt really fat lately, so I started to do some abs. I don't remember to do them after school (or at day either) so I do them before I go to sleep. Stupid, right? Well, I really don't care so much, if I can't sleep, I just want to be thinny. And nowadays I can't even catch the sleep before I have done my abs. Reaaally nice. So, now I go and do some abs so I can sleep. Good night, sleep tight! :*

How can I be such a mess?

Again is new week of school started. Okay, it's tuesday now, so there has been two days of school. Only tree left this week. Yeh, my attitude is definetely not the best right now. I'm just so tired, I can't do anything. Everything is boring, I'm not exited about anything. I'm tired, I want to sleep, but I can't. I lay in my bed for hours trying to catch the sleep, but I just can't get it. Everytime I close my eyes I start to think about one horrible thing that happened to me last Saturday. I'm not ready yet to write it here, but someday I will write about it all. Now I'm trying to forget it and live my life. Well, actually I want to forget it, so I maybe could sleep again. And when I finally fall asleep I wish I didn't have those nightmares...

 So. Earlier I thought, my life is a mess. Well, now I think, it was pretty easy. I have the same problems than earlier and even more. And I just don't get it. How can so much happen to a one little girl. I know, everyone has their problems. I just seem to have them so much. Or maybe I just feel that way, I don't know. What I DO know is, that I can't live my life like this. I don't survive, if this is going to be like this for a long time. I just can't anymore. Yeh, I'm off to study.

New start!

The summer came and went. I was busy relaxing and enjoying this cold summer and I really didn't have time to write this blog. Now I try to start over and this time I want to do it in English. Why? I really don't know. Maybe 'cos I noticed during holiday that it's easier for me to say bad thing in English than in Finnish. So now I try to write like this. I apologize everyone that there will be so many mistakes, because I'm not so good in English, but I hope that people, who get lost on my page, don't care so much of my spelling mistakes. :)

 So. My life is such a mess right now. I feel like everything's wrong. I'm hurting all the time. After few weeks of holiday, I started to feel so fat. I didn't want to go to beach (luckly there wasn't so many chances to do that) or wear shorts because I hate my body. I ate too much and I hated myself for that. And this is disgusting, but I started puking. Nothing more of that, but I still sometimes do that and it makes me feel so sick. My mood changes all the time and now I have felt depressed for a couple of weeks. I started cutting again. Yeh, before that, I didn't even now, what pain is! Now I really do. Again. I hate this. I hate it, how I can be such a mess all the time. My thoughts are killing me! All the time I only think food, cutting and killing myself. I feel so alone all the time and like noone understands me. I really don't wanna be alone. But there's nobody for me. I'm nobody.